Meeting the True Self: Beyond the Hamster Wheel of Self-Improvement
As we move towards self-discovery and healing, many of us find ourselves ensnared in the relentless pursuit of self-improvement. We live in a society that often champions the idea of constant enhancement, a continuous journey of becoming ‘better’, and often (not-so-silently) implying ‘never good enough’. In my own life and in my therapy practice, I have been unpacking the myth of “self-improvement” and exploring a path to deep transformation and healing that exists beyond this vicious cycle. I want to offer my thoughts on a different perspective and approach that I have been ruminating on.
In a world inundated with self-help books, workshops, life-coaches, and seminars, the call to improve oneself can be both alluring and overwhelming. This is not to undermine the positive intentions and the temporary and even lasting relief or achievements that self-help can bring. However, it is important to acknowledge that many “self-improvement” projects are deeply rooted in flawed assumptions about our essential nature as human beings.
Our modern, individualistic, and capitalist western society, and even certain religious traditions, have unfortunately perpetuated the belief in our inherent insufficiency. This narrative of lack, scarcity, and a deficit-focused perspective often suggests that we are somehow incomplete or inherently flawed. These messages are especially pronounced for those whose bodies exist on the margins - who are subject to fatphobia, ableism, racism, colonialism, heteronormativity, and cis-patriarchy (I could write a whole other blog post on that). In this space of feeling 'not enough', people often become vulnerable to those offering quick fixes or spinning 'too good to be true' personal narratives of rapid transformation to sell a product or service. It is from this place of perceived inadequacy that the journey of self-improvement often begins.
However, attempting to change from a foundation rooted in self-shame and self-hatred often reinforces the very feelings and patterns we seek to transform. In our frustrated attempts to get better, we tell ourselves that we must be “lazy”, “undisciplined”, “unmotivated”, or even “immoral” if we don’t see instant results, only compounding the shame that initially made us feel so bad. It’s like trying to escape quicksand; the more we struggle, the deeper we sink.
We have been trained to believe that if we accept ourselves, flaws and all, that we resign ourselves to mediocrity, or that we are “giving up”. We ask ourselves, if I don’t hate myself, if I don’t self-flagellate for my wrongdoings, how am I supposed to change?
“THE CURIOUS PARADOX IS THAT WHEN I ACCEPT MYSELF JUST AS I AM, THEN I CHANGE." - CARL ROGERS
What’s interesting is that viewing the dark places inside us with compassion and tenderness allows for genuine healing and transformation. We don’t need to be ‘fixed’ because we are not broken. Healing and transformation unfold naturally when we encounter and embrace our entirety with love and compassion.
Of course, treating ourselves with compassion is much easier said than done. It’s certainly something that I continue to struggle with, and I imagine many of you may be reading this with some skepticism, maybe with an eye-roll at all my fluffy “love and compassion” talk. Our wounds and defences, so long in the making, can make such a prospect feel distant, even dangerous and impossible. I know this feeling well and respect that your skepticism is only looking out for you, to protect you from disappointment.
So how do we begin to view the darkness inside with compassion? In part, it is a paradigm shift about our assumptions of human nature. In reality, we are so much more than our shortcomings. Beneath the wounds of life experiences, lies an inherent goodness, an innate capacity for growth - our True Self. This unblemished core of our being often becomes obscured by the defences we’ve constructed to endure hardships, to keep others close, or to mask our vulnerabilities. Softening towards the defensive mechanisms that we have constructed to survive is a step towards healing.
In addition to rethinking our assumptions about ourselves as “inherently flawed”, we must release the notion that we will ever arrive at a place of being perfectly healed, beyond the reach of suffering, or having it “all figured out”. Healing isn’t magic or instant and seldom obtained from a packaged deal. Radical, transformative growth is often experienced as the slow, daily accumulation of what we in the AEDP world call “glimmers of transformance” – subtle yet profound moments of transformation such as setting a boundary, allowing love in, or showing yourself a moment of self-compassion.
Also, we can release the assumption that healing is beyond our reach. The AEDP philosophy posits that our brains and bodies are wired to heal and to be more than okay. The innate drive for healing is always within us, even when it’s not immediately apparent. In therapy, we help shift the focus from our inherent negativity bias, the tendency to focus only on what’s wrong or lacking, to also recognizing and celebrating these everyday moments of transformation and resilience.
The transformation is not in becoming something more but in the realization and acceptance of your inherent completeness and enoughness, in your messy, flawed, humanness. There is no grand destination of self-acceptance, only a continual process, a daily practice. In therapy, we work to gently stretch ourselves towards this ideal, embracing the uncomfortable yet freeing space of embodying your True Self. This daily devotion to accepting ourselves may not be as “sexy” as a promise of a quick fix, but I can promise you that it is worth every moment of transient discomfort to free ourselves from the endless-hamster wheel of self-improvement.
If you’re curious about learning more or if you’re considering me as a companion on your messy and imperfect path towards healing, I invite you to book a free 20-minute consult.
